June 12, 2010: Humor Me

About once a year, I just have to do a "humor me" post. It has nothing to do with gardens, nothing to do with cooking, it's very long and might be really boring to many of you...but humor me.

My last "Humor Me" post was about my dog, Otto, and his obsession with a bone. This one is about my granddaughter, Alicia. Alicia was born in 1994, and between the ages of three and five she was such a character, I started keeping a journal of some of the things she said. Last night I was looking through the journal, and I hope you will laugh as hard as I did when you read a few excerpts.

July 14, 1997

* Hoppa=Grandpa

Alicia was in the bedroom watching TV yesterday, when she yelled at Amy (in the kitchen)...
"MOM! Hoppa has little balls just like the guy on TV!!"
Amy, in a panic, ran into the bedroom. Alicia was watching golf!

September 1997

Shayna: "My name is NOT Shane...it's SHAYna" (pregnant pause)
Alicia: "My name is NOT Weeshie...it's uhWEEsha!"

"Gwandma, my bottom hurts."
" Where does it hurt, sweetheart?"
(A look like "How stupid can you be?") " In my butt cwack, Gwandma."

October 5 1997

Her Mom and Dad were fighting. Daddy asked Alicia if she was mad at him too. Alicia replied "I don't like it when you get on my Mom's nerds".

Oct 31. 1997

Alicia told Amy "Hoppa knocked out Grandma’s teeth, but she put them back in with toothpicks."

What she didn’t tell Amy was that Hoppa and Grandma were carving a pumpkin, and Hoppa slipped and cut the teeth out of the Jack-O-Lantern, but Grandma stuck them back in with toothpicks.

Nov 18, 1997

Tonight Amy said "Alicia...I don't like the way you're acting!"
Alicia replied "I'm not acting. This is me".

November 22, 1997

You wait with anticipation, wondering when...if...the day will come. And it comes, at last. That beautiful, wonderful child looks at you, her eyes gleaming with pride, a lovely smile on her glorious face, she says.....

"Grandma.............................................................. I ate my boogers!"

April 25, 1998

I think next week I'll plant an antelope on the compost pile in Alicia's secret garden. She just LOVES antelope! It's her favorite kind of melon.

May 28, 1998

Alicia has a cold...she asked me for nose papers (Kleenex). That's almost as good as her definition for tampons (toilet sticks) and sanitary napkins (big-girl diapers).

July 30, 1998

Grandpa was checking out the battery on the motor home. He had it running, and was standing in front of it, when Alicia got in, crawled up into the driver's seat and proceeded to turn the steering wheel. The tires came off the leveling boards with a "thunk", and Grandpa panicked and sliced his finger on the door trying to get to Alicia. Alicia screamed for an hour because Grampy was bleeding and she thought she had run over him...nothing would convince her otherwise. Good thing she didn't put it in gear or she WOULD have run over Grampy and right into the living room.

August 8, 1998 (After a week on the Oregon coast, in the motor home, with Alicia and her 8-year-old cousin, Shayna)

Shayna was very good (if you don't count the time she shut the bedroom door and changed the TV from Disney to HBO and naked people). Alicia was...well, Alicia. She is either extremely good or extremely bad, nothing in between. To start with, she really doesn't like Shayna. Add that to not really wanting to share her grandparents with ANYONE.

For instance: we stood in front of the viewing window for nearly an hour waiting for Keiko to appear. The girls were up at the front railing, I was a couple rows behind. Suddenly I hear Alicia yelling at Shayna, I look...Alicia has her arms and legs spread across the railing so Shayna can't stand there. I ask why, she tells me "I don't want Shayna to look at Keiko". She is insistent and persistent, I am mad. I try to drag her off the rail, she throws herself on the ground and has a tantrum. I cannot spank in front of 200 people, so I pinch her in the side (no one can scream "child abuse" 'cause they saw NOTHING). I pinch and mutter threats to her under my breath until she finally behaves.

All goes well until it is time to leave. I had taught the girls that if they didn't duck down and weave their way through the legs of the big people to get up front, they would see nothing at the aquarium. Alicia got so good at it she'd be hanging over the front railings before you could say "fish". Unfortunately, it also worked for getting OUT of the crowds. As we left the Keiko viewing area, Alicia ducked down and headed for the doorway...the ENTRANCE. I was trying to drag Shayna behind me and go the wrong way into the crowd to catch her, but a worker stopped me and made me turn around. I told him he'd better catch that kid up there then, or there would be hell to pay...he headed out that direction, I went out the exit, and he finally caught up to her and brought her back to me.

Alicia was quite docile the rest of the day, but kept bringing up the fact that Grandma lost her at Free Willy.

Alicia stomped up the aisle of the motor home, glaring at Shayna who was sitting up front. I asked Alicia what she was doing. Alicia replied "I'm going to cut off her tail with a carving knife". I have no doubt she would have done just that if she'd had the carving knife.

When asked "Who wants to go to the Zoo?"....Shayna says "Me!" Alicia says "I'm not going." "I don't want to." "Because I'm a brat."

We didn't go.

It's nice to be home.

Letters from Alicia to Grandma and Grandpa, who were spending the winter in Arizona:

February 1999

Dear Grammy,
I miss you a lot. Have a great time, but actually I want to see you much, and I want you to meet my new friend Austin.

I wish you could come home now...right now...sooner. I wish you could come soon to my house. I miss you dear Grandma.

I never sent you a letter, but I am now, so I miss you very, very, very much, so much. And I would like to see everyone I know today like my Grandma and Grandpa, but I can’t because my Mom doesn’t want to go that far, but I love you.


Dear Grampy,

I love you much, but I want you to bring Grandma home, and when it’s Christmas again I’ll send you a present, but I really can’t tell you because it’s a surprise. I miss you very good, and I want you to send me a letter, but I also want you to send me a picture of a girl deer, and her name should be "Felice".

Hey, Grandpa, when I grow up I’m going to buy you a pretty table, and it’ll be dark pink. I love you dear Grandpa.
The end.

And a second letter......

Dear Grammy,
I love you so much, but I want you to come back today...for real I do. And I want to sing this song to you. (She’s singing the Barney "I Love You" song...Amy)

I miss you very good. And I’m happy you went over there, but I didn’t want you to stay that long, but I still love you anyways.

I got my hair cut real short, but don’t get mad, because my Mom did it on accident, but I still think you should like it.

I love you Grandma...you’re so pretty, but I miss you.

I ate basgetti today...it was very good...you should try it. When you come back from Arizonia you should come to my house and I’ll tell my Mom to make some for you. OK.

My voice is getting tired, but I love you.

The very end.
I love you dear Grandma.

Dear Grampy,

I love you! Bring Grammy home. I’m moving to a different place, but please don’t be mad. I’ll tell you where it is, OK? I can even ride my bike there. (OK Mommy, you write the rest.)

March 1999

Amy: "Alicia, let's go to the dam to see the fish."
Alicia: "I can't. I can't say that."
Amy: "Alicia, it's alright to say 'dam' when you're talking about the place to watch fish."
Alicia: "No, I can't go because I'm not supposed to say that."
Amy: "Alicia, I said it's OK to say 'dam' as long as you're talking about the fish place."
Alicia (long pause): "Oh, all right then...let's go to the damn fish place!."

Amy was reading Alicia a story from "Bugs Life". One section was a page from a diary. Amy asked "You know what a diary is, don't you?" Alicia, giggling and blushing replied "Ye-e-e-s....it's when you poop a lot."

May 1999

Alicia and Amy were playing in the park when Alicia suddenly had an attack of diarrhea. Amy grabbed her and ran across the street to a service station restroom, where Alicia announced "I don't have to go now, Mom....I just have to wipe."

Last night Alicia was sitting on my lap in the rocking chair. We were watching TV and she was in such a lovey mood..kept hugging my head and telling me how much she loved me. After a while she had to go to the bathroom, so she got up and left the room. A minute later I hear ....

"Grandma...come here and give me a kiss."
"What?" I reply.
"Come here and give me a kiss", she says.
"On the toilet?" I ask.
"Nooo......on the LIPS."

June 7, 1999

Well, I just ate the last applesauce bar. They were delicious, but I had to eat the entire panful by myself (I hate it when that happens). Alicia was very excited that I was going to make applesauce bars from some of the applesauce that she won at her school picnic. She came over the day I baked them and I asked her if she wanted one...she said "Yes", so I cut her a good sized square. She just sat and looked at it. I finally said "Alicia, why don't you take a bite?" and she replied "I wanted an applesauce bar." I said "That IS an applesauce bar." She gave my that 'how-dumb-can-you-be' look and replied "But Grandma, it's not cold, and where's the stick?" She had expected applesauce bars to be like ice cream bars!

Alicia went for a long bicycle ride with her mother today. After a while she yelled "Hey, Mom...can you feel your fat getting skinnier? Because I sure can!"

July 6, 1999

Grandpa took Alicia to the park while I ran around all day. They took their bikes, rode by the river, threw rocks into the water, fed bread to the gulls and scavenged for bird feathers to put on the blow-away-soon.

Did I tell you about Blow Away Soon? It's a book I got at the library last week, and she loves it. It's about an Indian girl who lives with her grandmother. They walk up the hill and build a blow-away-soon so "the wind she can take what she wants, but she leaves the very important things behind", so the grandmother will be here for a good long time. Well...the story just moves Alicia to tears. By the end of it she's clinging to me all misty eyed, so we had to round up some rocks and build a blow-away-soon in the back yard.

We haven't had a lick of wind here all week, but yesterday Alicia put rose petals on the blow-away-soon and just as she stepped back, she said "Here she comes, Grandma" and sure enough, a little gust of wind blew the rose petals away. Today she took out the bird feathers to give to the wind. She placed them carefully on the blow-away-soon and stepped back. Yep...a little puff of wind appeared just at that moment. Hey...who am I to doubt??? I guess it just takes faith.

And my very favorite line in the entire journal....................

"When I get old I’m gonna look like Grandma....some people are still alive when they get that old!"


  1. Thank you for sharing. You had me an my 20 year old son rolling.

  2. I love it! I actually made a video of the girl last night that I was going to post later today about this very same thing. She can't say pajamas to save ther life and it's so funny.

    My favorite of all time was the boy when he was 2. I was sitting on the floor and he walks right up and puts his hand square over my breast and just leaves it there. I asked him what he thought he was doing and he said, "It's okay, Mommy. I'm a doctor."

    He'll use that line in the future, I'm afraid.

  3. That is absolutely adorable! I wish I kept track of all the crazy things my kids have said over the years.

  4. Oh my! These had me ROFL!!! Thanks so much for sharing such wonderful memories.

  5. Loved it all! :) So very sweet (and funny!) It's great that you kept a journal of this stuff! :)

  6. Oh don't make me laugh so much Granny. Not when I'm eating breakfast.

  7. I am picturing your smile with a mouth full of toothpicks! These are all precious! I usually do a thing in my annual "Christmas cheesy-form-letter" entitled, "Heard in 2009" etc and put gems like this in there. Last year one sticks out where Loch said this about his little Starbucks Frappe "ummm, I like this it must have a lot of good chemicals in it" ! And I still remember when I was a kid and my little brother asked my dad what a "hypothetical" needle was... Dad of course replied "well I guess it's whatever you imagine that it is" !! LOL, loved this post Gran!

  8. Love it,she is just a gem. I especially like your your favourite saying to.

  9. Dear Annie, I so enjoyed this post! The letters from Alicia are priceless. She loves you dearly! I'd love to see grandpa at the dark pink table! My favorite phrases are about pumpkin teeth and golf balls. Ha-ha!

  10. I don't often crack up laughing out loud while reading a post, Granny. I'll humor you anytime. The best moment for me might be the "damn fish place." I'm so glad you kept your notes!

    Can I just say that this line was the sweetest ever in a letter? "I love you Grandma... you're so pretty, but I miss you." Do you just secretly hug that letter to your heart every moment of every day? I would, forever. :)

  11. I'm happy so many of you enjoyed this post. It brings back such happy memories for me.

    Meredith, I have kept every one of those letters, as well as those she wrote later (these were dictated to her mom). I even keep the following note permanently attached to my refrigerator: Grandme wen the bolgame is ovre met me in the cichen

  12. Thanks so much for sharing those memories. My "Little Garden Helper" is just starting to talk a lot. I'm now going to keep a journal of the things he says...thanks again

  13. Too funny! If only you had caught some of these on video. You would have been on America's Funniest Home Videos! (And be 10k richer.)

  14. Robin & Thomas, I urge you to keep a journal of the cuteness of your little ones. I can't begin to express how much joy this has brought me. Last night, Alicia and I giggled over the phone over the cute things she'd said. She had forgotten most of it, of course, so it was fun for her to read about her early childhood.

  15. Ha! ROFL......that is so awesome...I have kept my kids school journals over the years for that reason....they are priceless!

  16. Love this post! I shared it with my husband and we both were laughing out loud.

  17. Oh my lord, I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming out of my eyes! That was a hoot!

    How smart are you to write those all down?!

  18. Too funny. You're bringing back memories of a kid playing with the steering wheel and he did put it in drive. It's a good thing the car that got bumped belonged to a friend. Kids!

  19. Thank you for sharing Granny, she sounds like a doll and says very cute things. I think, however, the funniest part to me was when you figured out pinching was an alternative way to get attention. LOL! That and the applesauce debacle.. I did the same thing to my aunt over a different type of food.

  20. My favorite: the damn fish place.

  21. The comment about "I'm not acting" had both of us laughing out loud. I wonder if she gets this from her gramma.

  22. Oh, these are wonderful! You have your very own Art Linkletter's Kids Say The Darnedest Things!
    It's priceless!