My last "Humor Me" post was about my dog, Otto, and his obsession with a bone. This one is about my granddaughter, Alicia. Alicia was born in 1994, and between the ages of three and five she was such a character, I started keeping a journal of some of the things she said. Last night I was looking through the journal, and I hope you will laugh as hard as I did when you read a few excerpts.
July 14, 1997
Alicia was in the bedroom watching TV yesterday, when she yelled at Amy (in the kitchen)...
"MOM! Hoppa has little balls just like the guy on TV!!"
Amy, in a panic, ran into the bedroom. Alicia was watching golf!
Shayna: "My name is NOT Shane...it's SHAYna" (pregnant pause)
Alicia: "My name is NOT Weeshie...it's uhWEEsha!"
"Gwandma, my bottom hurts."
" Where does it hurt, sweetheart?"
(A look like "How stupid can you be?") " In my butt cwack, Gwandma."
October 5 1997
Her Mom and Dad were fighting. Daddy asked Alicia if she was mad at him too. Alicia replied "I don't like it when you get on my Mom's nerds".
Oct 31. 1997
Alicia told Amy "Hoppa knocked out Grandma’s teeth, but she put them back in with toothpicks."
What she didn’t tell Amy was that Hoppa and Grandma were carving a pumpkin, and Hoppa slipped and cut the teeth out of the Jack-O-Lantern, but Grandma stuck them back in with toothpicks.
Nov 18, 1997
Tonight Amy said "Alicia...I don't like the way you're acting!"
Alicia replied "I'm not acting. This is me".
November 22, 1997
You wait with anticipation, wondering when...if...the day will come. And it comes, at last. That beautiful, wonderful child looks at you, her eyes gleaming with pride, a lovely smile on her glorious face, she says.....
"Grandma.............................................................. I ate my boogers!"
April 25, 1998
I think next week I'll plant an antelope on the compost pile in Alicia's secret garden. She just LOVES antelope! It's her favorite kind of melon.
May 28, 1998
Alicia has a cold...she asked me for nose papers (Kleenex). That's almost as good as her definition for tampons (toilet sticks) and sanitary napkins (big-girl diapers).
July 30, 1998
Grandpa was checking out the battery on the motor home. He had it running, and was standing in front of it, when Alicia got in, crawled up into the driver's seat and proceeded to turn the steering wheel. The tires came off the leveling boards with a "thunk", and Grandpa panicked and sliced his finger on the door trying to get to Alicia. Alicia screamed for an hour because Grampy was bleeding and she thought she had run over him...nothing would convince her otherwise. Good thing she didn't put it in gear or she WOULD have run over Grampy and right into the living room.
August 8, 1998 (After a week on the Oregon coast, in the motor home, with Alicia and her 8-year-old cousin, Shayna)
Shayna was very good (if you don't count the time she shut the bedroom door and changed the TV from Disney to HBO and naked people). Alicia was...well, Alicia. She is either extremely good or extremely bad, nothing in between. To start with, she really doesn't like Shayna. Add that to not really wanting to share her grandparents with ANYONE.
For instance: we stood in front of the viewing window for nearly an hour waiting for Keiko to appear. The girls were up at the front railing, I was a couple rows behind. Suddenly I hear Alicia yelling at Shayna, I look...Alicia has her arms and legs spread across the railing so Shayna can't stand there. I ask why, she tells me "I don't want Shayna to look at Keiko". She is insistent and persistent, I am mad. I try to drag her off the rail, she throws herself on the ground and has a tantrum. I cannot spank in front of 200 people, so I pinch her in the side (no one can scream "child abuse" 'cause they saw NOTHING). I pinch and mutter threats to her under my breath until she finally behaves.
All goes well until it is time to leave. I had taught the girls that if they didn't duck down and weave their way through the legs of the big people to get up front, they would see nothing at the aquarium. Alicia got so good at it she'd be hanging over the front railings before you could say "fish". Unfortunately, it also worked for getting OUT of the crowds. As we left the Keiko viewing area, Alicia ducked down and headed for the doorway...the ENTRANCE. I was trying to drag Shayna behind me and go the wrong way into the crowd to catch her, but a worker stopped me and made me turn around. I told him he'd better catch that kid up there then, or there would be hell to pay...he headed out that direction, I went out the exit, and he finally caught up to her and brought her back to me.
Alicia was quite docile the rest of the day, but kept bringing up the fact that Grandma lost her at Free Willy.
Alicia stomped up the aisle of the motor home, glaring at Shayna who was sitting up front. I asked Alicia what she was doing. Alicia replied "I'm going to cut off her tail with a carving knife". I have no doubt she would have done just that if she'd had the carving knife.
When asked "Who wants to go to the Zoo?"....Shayna says "Me!" Alicia says "I'm not going." "I don't want to." "Because I'm a brat."
We didn't go.
It's nice to be home.
I miss you a lot. Have a great time, but actually I want to see you much, and I want you to meet my new friend Austin.
I wish you could come home now...right now...sooner. I wish you could come soon to my house. I miss you dear Grandma.
I never sent you a letter, but I am now, so I miss you very, very, very much, so much. And I would like to see everyone I know today like my Grandma and Grandpa, but I can’t because my Mom doesn’t want to go that far, but I love you.
I love you much, but I want you to bring Grandma home, and when it’s Christmas again I’ll send you a present, but I really can’t tell you because it’s a surprise. I miss you very good, and I want you to send me a letter, but I also want you to send me a picture of a girl deer, and her name should be "Felice".
Hey, Grandpa, when I grow up I’m going to buy you a pretty table, and it’ll be dark pink. I love you dear Grandpa.
And a second letter......
I love you so much, but I want you to come back today...for real I do. And I want to sing this song to you. (She’s singing the Barney "I Love You" song...Amy)
I miss you very good. And I’m happy you went over there, but I didn’t want you to stay that long, but I still love you anyways.
I got my hair cut real short, but don’t get mad, because my Mom did it on accident, but I still think you should like it.
I love you Grandma...you’re so pretty, but I miss you.
I ate basgetti today...it was very good...you should try it. When you come back from Arizonia you should come to my house and I’ll tell my Mom to make some for you. OK.
My voice is getting tired, but I love you.
The very end.
I love you dear Grandma.
I love you! Bring Grammy home. I’m moving to a different place, but please don’t be mad. I’ll tell you where it is, OK? I can even ride my bike there. (OK Mommy, you write the rest.)
Amy: "Alicia, let's go to the dam to see the fish."
Alicia: "I can't. I can't say that."
Amy: "Alicia, it's alright to say 'dam' when you're talking about the place to watch fish."
Alicia: "No, I can't go because I'm not supposed to say that."
Amy: "Alicia, I said it's OK to say 'dam' as long as you're talking about the fish place."
Alicia (long pause): "Oh, all right then...let's go to the damn fish place!."
Amy was reading Alicia a story from "Bugs Life". One section was a page from a diary. Amy asked "You know what a diary is, don't you?" Alicia, giggling and blushing replied "Ye-e-e-s....it's when you poop a lot."
Alicia and Amy were playing in the park when Alicia suddenly had an attack of diarrhea. Amy grabbed her and ran across the street to a service station restroom, where Alicia announced "I don't have to go now, Mom....I just have to wipe."
Last night Alicia was sitting on my lap in the rocking chair. We were watching TV and she was in such a lovey mood..kept hugging my head and telling me how much she loved me. After a while she had to go to the bathroom, so she got up and left the room. A minute later I hear ....
"Grandma...come here and give me a kiss."
"What?" I reply.
"Come here and give me a kiss", she says.
"On the toilet?" I ask.
"Nooo......on the LIPS."
June 7, 1999
Well, I just ate the last applesauce bar. They were delicious, but I had to eat the entire panful by myself (I hate it when that happens). Alicia was very excited that I was going to make applesauce bars from some of the applesauce that she won at her school picnic. She came over the day I baked them and I asked her if she wanted one...she said "Yes", so I cut her a good sized square. She just sat and looked at it. I finally said "Alicia, why don't you take a bite?" and she replied "I wanted an applesauce bar." I said "That IS an applesauce bar." She gave my that 'how-dumb-can-you-be' look and replied "But Grandma, it's not cold, and where's the stick?" She had expected applesauce bars to be like ice cream bars!
Alicia went for a long bicycle ride with her mother today. After a while she yelled "Hey, Mom...can you feel your fat getting skinnier? Because I sure can!"
July 6, 1999
Grandpa took Alicia to the park while I ran around all day. They took their bikes, rode by the river, threw rocks into the water, fed bread to the gulls and scavenged for bird feathers to put on the blow-away-soon.
Did I tell you about Blow Away Soon? It's a book I got at the library last week, and she loves it. It's about an Indian girl who lives with her grandmother. They walk up the hill and build a blow-away-soon so "the wind she can take what she wants, but she leaves the very important things behind", so the grandmother will be here for a good long time. Well...the story just moves Alicia to tears. By the end of it she's clinging to me all misty eyed, so we had to round up some rocks and build a blow-away-soon in the back yard.
We haven't had a lick of wind here all week, but yesterday Alicia put rose petals on the blow-away-soon and just as she stepped back, she said "Here she comes, Grandma" and sure enough, a little gust of wind blew the rose petals away. Today she took out the bird feathers to give to the wind. She placed them carefully on the blow-away-soon and stepped back. Yep...a little puff of wind appeared just at that moment. Hey...who am I to doubt??? I guess it just takes faith.
And my very favorite line in the entire journal....................
"When I get old I’m gonna look like Grandma....some people are still alive when they get that old!"